A Woman in Your Own Right by Anne Dickson

Author:Anne Dickson [Dickson, Anne]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: book, ebook
ISBN: 9780704373044
Publisher: Quartet Books
Published: 2012-10-15T04:00:00+00:00

14

How to Handle Criticism: As the Critic

Learning to handle criticism on the receiving end will give you a much better idea of what makes it possible for any criticism to be heard: this, in turn, will help to improve your ability when it comes to giving criticism to others when you either need to or want to. The problem most of us face is distinguishing between challenge and confrontation. The latter is associated with an aggressive encounter where either winning or losing are the only two outcomes: consequently, those of us who do not enjoy confrontation try to avoid it.

Every single one of us, at some time in our lives, is faced with situations which present us with a dilemma: how do I express difficult feelings in a way which allows the other person to hear what I am saying without them feeling hurt or attacked or rejected? How can I avoid getting into a fight which risks causing unpleasant and lasting repercussions?

We first need to understand why some feelings are regarded as difficult. Difficult feelings usually refer to those that are labelled as negative: annoyance, hurt, irritation, anxiety or embarrassment for example. Second, precisely because we find such feelings difficult to communicate, we find ways of not doing so with the result that, if and when we do decide to speak, we will have acquired a backlog of ‘unspoken’ feelings which make clear and assertive communication an even tougher proposition.

Consider what happens now. How do you express what you consider to be a legitimate grievance or problem you have with someone? How do you express resentment or hurt or disappointment? How do you go about criticising someone else, whether in a personal or professional context? Do you tend to avoid direct confrontation altogether like Dulcie but moan to everyone else about the person concerned? Do you find yourself going in like Agnes, with a sledgehammer and send the other person reeling away with an ear too thick to hear precisely what you are saying under the general tirade? Or like Ivy, do you make snide remarks, communicating your resentment indirectly, leaving the other person feeling put-down and vaguely guilty but without knowing exactly what your point is? All these approaches have one thing in common: the message will not be heard either because you have actually said nothing, or what you have said has been delivered in such a way that antagonises the other person or because you leave them confused and uncertain as to the message you were trying to get across.

Look more closely at a typical passive, indirect and aggressive approach as Dulcie, Ivy or Agnes might use.

Dulcie is a nervous passenger. Her husband fancies himself as a second Jeremy Clarkson; he is a fast and aggressive driver and, what’s more, prides himself on his driving ability. Every time they go out in the car together, Dulcie holds on tight to the edge of her seat, feeling tense and uncomfortable.

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